A reader writes to advice columnist Annie Lane about discovering her husband's sexting relationship with another woman, a crisis that deepened when he attempted suicide and was placed on antidepressant medication. The couple is now in individual and joint counseling, yet she cannot see a path forward while he refuses to acknowledge what she calls his addiction to seeking out other women. Her question - whether trust can be rebuilt without an admission of wrongdoing - touches on patterns that mental health professionals see often in relationships strained by infidelity and compulsive behavior.
Why Acknowledgment Matters More Than Apology
Annie's response centers on a distinction many people overlook: an apology is not the same as accountability. A spouse can say "I'm sorry" while still minimizing or denying the underlying behavior. Therapists who work with couples after infidelity generally agree that repair work stalls when one partner refuses to name the problem accurately. Whether the husband's behavior meets a clinical definition of addiction is a question for a licensed professional, not a label either spouse should assign on their own. But the columnist is right that semantics aside, the sexting itself was a breach serious enough to justify the wife's anger.
Destroying Evidence Doesn't Resolve the Underlying Issue
The wife's decision to destroy her husband's phone is a common, understandable reaction to betrayal, but it carries real costs. It can destroy potential evidence relevant to counseling conversations, and more importantly, it sidesteps the actual issue. Smashing a device doesn't address compulsive behavior patterns or the emotional needs driving them. Columnists and therapists alike tend to steer people away from destructive reactions, not to excuse the betrayal, but because those reactions rarely produce the clarity needed to decide whether a marriage can continue.
Mental Health Crises Change the Calculus
A suicide attempt inside a marriage in crisis adds a layer of urgency that cannot be separated from the relationship question. Annie's advice to keep the husband in close contact with his doctor and therapist reflects standard guidance: recovery from a suicide attempt requires sustained clinical support, and that need exists independently of whatever happens with the marriage. Spouses in this situation often feel pressure to hold both crises - the infidelity and the mental health emergency - at once, which is exhausting and can cloud judgment about what "moving forward" should even look like.
What Couples Counseling Can and Cannot Fix
Starting couples counseling is a meaningful step, but Annie is careful not to promise an outcome. Counseling provides structure for difficult conversations; it does not force honesty. If one partner continues to deny or minimize behavior the other has documented, therapy can surface that gap, but it cannot resolve it unilaterally. The reader's path forward depends less on time passing and more on whether her husband becomes willing to engage honestly with what happened - a decision only he can make, with professional support guiding him there.